Seriously Muddled Potter
by IzzyDelacour
Summary: A very... different... story. Containing approximately zero canon pairings and a lot of weirdness. Read at your peril!
1. Chapter 1

_A/N - This is a story written in collaboration with my friend, Sarah, a few years ago when we were bored school._

_We would write small parts of the story on little pieces of paper and pass them to eachother to add the next part. This will be the first time it's all been put together in one continuous story, so I apologise if it seems to not flow very well in places, or if you just don't like it. We had tonnes of fun writing it though!_

_Hope you enjoy! _

_~ Izzy xxx_

* * *

Once upon a time, Ron snogged Harry.

'I'm sorry Haz… th… th… the moment. The f…feeling!' he stuttered.

'Oh shut up and kiss me you red haired fool!'

As they passionately embraced in a tender lock they would have been shocked to know what Hermione was doing… 

'Oh Snape!' gasped Hermione, 'you really make potions recipes sound sexy!'

'Yes Miss Granger.' Hermione shivered as his silky voice brushed past her ear.'Is everything to your satisfaction?'

'Oh yes! I love everything here. I can only think of one way this could get better…'

'Oh? What's the Miss Granger?' He asked, his voice barely a whisper again. She gave a shiver. Again his silky voice brought new feelings to the surface.

'If…' Hermione began…

'If what?' Snape breathed. Then he turned. He had heard footsteps.

Hermione had heard them too. As she jumped up to hide, Snape whispered, 'No, down here!'

The door squeaked open. There was no one there.

'What the hell…?' Snape said.

Hermione didn't trust it. Then Mad-eye Moody appeared.

'Snape. You look… flustered'

Indeed Snape, in his black trousers and white shirt looked almost as usual. But the fact that he had his buttons done up wrong and a hand through his cuff told a different story. 

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the school, Harry and Ron were watching from under the invisibility cloak

'This is **so **cool!' Whispered Ron to Harry, 'Ew. What are they doing now?' 

At the same time…

'What do you want?' Snape was asking Moody stiffly.

'Oh, nothing.' Moody said as he left Snape's chambers.

As Snape sat back down, Hermione came out of her hiding place.

'That was close! She said.

'Yes', Snape whispered, 'We'll have to be more careful in future…'

How long they stood there just looking into each others' eyes they could not know but, as Snape whispered 'I'll see you soon…', Hermione knew it was true lust.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N - Onwards and upwards we go, into the world of Harry Potter weirdness that is this story._

_Here we introduce Remus Lupin, one of our favourites throught the writing of the story- hope you enjoy!_

_~ Izzy xxx_

_

* * *

_

Now back to Harry and Ron and their escapades.

As they watched Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy 'smooching' in the firelight Harry asked, 'Ron? Don't you feel weird watching your sister make-out with your worst enemy?'

'Yes.' Ron replied, 'But it does kind of turn me on!'

At that moment Draco's eye sparkled in the firelight, giving it a gleaming shine. Ginny had noticed it. She threw herself into his arms and they passionately embraced in a tender lock.

Suddenly Harry and Ron felt odd at being there. They left to go back to their room. 

Meanwhile Remus Lupin and Lucius Malfoy were having 'The Talk'.

'It's not that I'm unhappy', explained Lupin, 'I just don't think it's working out…'

'No, no. It's just your time of the month! We can make it work!' Lucius said, a look of hope on his face.

'No Lucius, I mean it.' Lupin said with tears in his eyes. 'I… I'm breaking up with you!' He flounced out of the room.

After leaving his private chambers he went to the Great Hall. He had to be away from Lucius. He had to be strong.

'Hello Lupin' Dumbledore said, a twinkling look in his eye. He knew.

'Oh Dumbledore!' Lupin cried, 'Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?'

'No', said Dumbledore, 'You definitely haven't.'

The Dumbledore leaned in, as if to kiss Lupin, but instead just gave him a pat on the head.

Lupin looked at the man who had always been more of a father figure than a friend.

'Oh Dumbledore', he said, 'I don't think I'm gay anymore...'

'Oh. Okay then.' Said Dumbledore, looking slightly disappointed.

Lupin skipped off, his spirits high. As he went he banged straight into Hermione. She fell backwards and he caught her, his hand on her waist.

'I… I'm so sorry!' she said.

'No, no', Lupin protested, 'It was my fault. You know Hermione, I lov…' he stopped.

'What?' Hermione asked, hardly daring to believe what she had heard.

'I said I love… your hair.'

'Oh.' Hermione said, disappointed.

Lupin ran out of the castle. It was dark, almost full moon, and he found that the night filled the empty spot in his soul.

He would tell her the truth soon…


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N - This is a pretty long chapter, I think... and a lot happens in it! See if you can keep up with all the soap oprea style relationships - even I get confused sometimes!_

_Enjoy!_

_~ Izzy xxx  
_

* * *

Bill walked up the stairs towards McGonagall's room. He burst in through the door and they passionately embraced in a tender lock.

'This' had been going on for just a month and they still had that exciting loving spark, fresh and new… 

Meanwhile Ron and Harry were walking up the stairs… towards McGonagall's office. They were looking for Hermione. They heard movements inside.

'That's a bit weird' said Ron, 'McGonagall doesn't normally sound like she's having that much fun…'

'Ewwww! Ron! That's gross! Just think who it could be!'

'I didn't think of that! Yeah! Gross! Hey, I know, let's make a list of who it could possibly be!'

'Okay Ron, I'll start! It could be… Professor Dumbledore! Or Lupin!'

As they made their list they were getting ever closer to McGonagall's office.

'Ooooooh! It could be your Dad!'

'No, no, no!' Ron screamed, 'If it's anyone it's going to be…'

He opened the door.

'BILL!' 

Bill and Minerva sprang apart. Unfortunately for them it was blindingly obvious what they had been doing. The fact that Bill was shirtless and Minerva was quickly doing up her robes told the whole story.

'Oh SHIT!' Ron and Bill screamed at the same time.

'Oh my good god' Minerva whispered under her breath.

'What the fu…' Harry started to say,

'You watch your language Mr Potter!' Minerva quickly scolded.

Harry and Ron ran out of the office. Ron was screaming that he was scarred for life, whilst Harry was trying hard to stop himself from bursting into laughter.

As they got round a corner they stopped. Harry leaned in towards Ron, 'You know, no matter what that was, I still love you…'

At that moment they fell through a secret door leading to Snape's room… 

'What the…?' Harry shouted. Ron wasn't listening, he was looking into the room, 'Hermione…?'

'Ron!' came a startled reply. The room was dark and there were pickled animals in jars on the wall they had just fallen through.

'What are you doing here?' Hermione asked.

'I think the question is what are **you** doing here?' said Ron angrily.

'Ummm… extra… potions. Yes! That's right! Extra potions!'

Just then a figure loomed out of the shadows…

'Mr Weasley' Snape said, 'I take it you are jeer to join Miss Granger for her extra potions class tonight.'

A horrified look came over both Ron and Hermione's faces.

'Oh, yes!' said Hermione, quickly recovering.

'Um… no!' said Ron, 'I was just… leaving.'

Harry and Ron almost ran out of the room.

'Wait a sec,' whispered Harry, 'there's a keyhole in this door…'

'What? You want to watch Hermione study potions?' Ron asked..

A second passed. A minute passed.

'We could be doing **other** things, you know…'

'…Okay! Let's go!' 

Whilst all of this was happening Remus Lupin was alone in his room. He heard a movement behind the door, in the corridor, and got up to see what it was. He reached out to open the door, forgetting that he was shirtless. At the last moment he reached out to grab a shirt, pulled it over his head, and opened the door. On the other side he found a very rough looking Lucius Malfoy.

'What in the name of Merlin are you doing here?'

'I saw you earlier.' Lucius said threateningly, 'I saw you.'

Lupin gulped. He thought he'd been so careful when he was talking to Hermione. He was jolted out of him panicked thoughts by Lucius saying:

'What is going on between you and... Albus Dumbledore?'

'Alb…? Oh… OH! Well… um… nothing.' Lupin said.

'Don't lie to me! I know what I saw!' Said Lucius, getting more rigid by the second, 'Tell. Me. The. Truth!'

'You want the truth?' Lupin said, 'I'M NOT GAY!'

_(Dun dun dun!)_

'No!' screamed Lucius, 'This can't be true! What about all the time we spent together? All the things we did? I divorced my wife for you!'

Lupin turned away. That was when he noticed the other person in the corridor. He had beautiful grey eyes and white-blonde hair…

'Dad, what's going on?' Draco couldn't believe what he was seeing. 'Dad!' he said again, 'What is going ON?'

'Draco', said Lucius, 'How much did you hear?'

'I heard enough. This **werewolf** is why you broke up with Mum? She said it was because you had different interests!'

'Well, it turned out that that had at least one interest in common…' Lupin muttered in the background.

'Just what is that supposed to mean?' Lucius asked angrily.

'You know full well what I mean!' Lupin replied.

'She NEVER loved you Lupin! Not like I did!'

Draco's eyes flashed a look of fear and confusion at his father.

'What?' Draco said, 'The werewolf and… and… MUM?'


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N - A shorter chapter this time - but just as crazy!_

_Enjoy!_

_~ Izzy xxx  
_

* * *

Whilst all of this was going on, Harry was wandering around the castle looking for Ron.

'Where are you Ronnikins?'

He heard a noise in a classroom and started to open the door…

As he peered around the corner he was shocked to see Luna Lovegood trying to button up her shirt.

'What happened to you?' said Harry, not trusting what he saw.

'Oh, nothing' Luna replied, looking shifty. There was a sudden bang in the cupboard…

'Oh bloody hell!' Ron fell out of the cupboard, closely followed by a giant spider.

'Ron!' Harry said, but as soon as he looked towards the spider it turned into a Dementor. Harry felt his strength draining… Ron ran for his shirt… Harry slowly lost his vision…

Ron took one last look at Harry before he grabbed Luna and ran from the room. Harry was hovering on the edge of consciousness, he saw someone enter the room. Then he fainted.

When Harry came around he was in the forbidden forest… with Hermione.

'What was that about?' Hermione asked, and Harry told he everything…

When Harry finished his confession Hermione, still looking a little shell shocked, said, 'Well, now you've told me everything, I guess it's time for MY confession…'

'What?' Said Harry.

'Well… um… I was in love with Snape..' Hermione confessed sheepishly.

'SNAPE?' Harry shouted. He started to lose consciousness…

Hermione slapped his face.

'Don't even THINK about fainting again, you big girl! Anyway, as I was saying… I **was **in love with Snape, but now… well… now I think I'm in love with Lu…'

'Luna? Not you too! Ron's already betrayed me… with her.'

'No, no! It's Lu…'

'Lucius? Lucius Malfoy? Hermione Jean Granger, you are SICK!'

'You're not making this very easy for me Harry!'

'Well, why are you in love with such sick people?'

Hermione had had enough.

'Look! I'm in love with LUPIN, alright?'

'…' Harry started at her in stunned silence.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N - A very short chapter this time but, what can I say? That's the way it was written!_

_This may be the last one for a while - I have to try and make sense of some of the notes that the story was written on - there are a lot of them and in no order at all!_

_Anyway, if you're still reading this oddness, I admire your resolve and hope you will and have been enjoying it! _

_~ Izzy xxx  
_

* * *

'I hate him… I hate him… I'm gonna kill him!' Draco shouted, 'Him and Lupin, that stupid werewolf!'

'Calm down, don't be so dumb! I like Lupin.' Said Ginny, 'I'm sure you'll be fine, maybe we can find something to take your mind off of it…'

'Like what?' He shouted.

'Well', said Ginny, 'we could go for a… walk!'

'A walk. A WALK! I was going for a walk, like you told me to, when I found out about all of this, so… technically… it's all YOUR fault...'

'FINE!' Ginny slapped him and stormed out… and Draco started to think about how to get revenge…

'Right. I'll get Lupin. But to get Lupin I'd have to get Harry. And to get Harry I'd have to get Ron. And to get Ron I'd have to get… **Hermione**! Now… who should I hire to get Hermione Granger…? I know! **Barty Crouch Jr.**!' Draco smirked to himself and left his room.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N - Yes, shorter chapters from now on, I think, as I slowly work my way through the piles of scraps of paper all bunched together in my file._

_Hope it's good enough for you, my discerning reader!_

_~Izzy xxx  
_

* * *

Lupin was walking along with a spring in his step. It was one week after the full moon and he felt great!

Today was a good day for him, he felt lucky. He looked to his left, There was Hermione. Lupin smiled. He knew exactly what he was going to do…

'Hermione! Over here!' He shouted. He couldn't help but smile, she was so beautiful. Hermione turned and met his eyes, she felt her heart do a flip, it was Lupin.

Hermione smiled. She knew exactly what she was going to do…

Lupin saw her walking towards him. He faltered in his steps. He was just about to turn and run when he thought, 'no! It's Hermione! I… I think I love her. What am I thinking? I DO love her!'

He carried on walking with a more purposeful stride…

Hermione saw that Lupin was walking towards her. Her heart gave a jolt. She was just about to turn down the corridor to her right when she thought, 'no! It's Lupin, Remus Lupin! I… I think I love him. What am I thinking? I DO love him!'

She carried on walking with a more purposeful stride…

Hermione and Lupin drew closer. They were just inches away from eachother.

'Hermione', Lupin said in barely more than a whisper, 'I…'

'Miss Granger!' Snape came running towards them.

'Severus… I mean, Professor Snape!' said Hermione, 'What are you doing here?'

'I think the question is what are YOU doing Miss Granger…?'

'Why do you want to know?' asked Lupin. This stupid potions master had a habit of turning up when he wasn't wanted.

'Calm down… Moony', Snape said in a mocking voice.

'Severus, just… just go.' said Hermione.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N - As if it wasn't weird enough already, here's some more soap opera like drama for you_...

_~ Izzy xxx_

* * *

Half an hour later Hermione was walking by the edge of the Forbidden Forest trying to clear her head after the encounter with Lupin and Snape.

She turned her head quickly. She had heard a movement in the woods. She squinted towards it. She could just make out a human figure…

She turned. There was definitely someone there. She heard footsteps quickening behind her. She ran faster. She felt a hand grab her arm. She fell, they fell, she looked at who had grabbed her. She couldn't believe her eyes… Barty Crouch… Junior. 

He looked at her in surprise. Could this be the bushy haired girl who had apprehended him just a few years ago? Surely not! This girl was just hot! He mentally shook himself. No! He had a job to do, and damn it, he was going to do it!

Hermione looked up into Barty's face, so many questions rushing through her mind, but all she could think was how incredibly good looking he was! No… no! This was Barty Crouch Jr., a death eater… no!

'Hermione?' A nervous voice broke through the darkness and shattered the silence…

She suddenly realised that they were still on the ground. It seemed that he had realised it at the same time, as he jumped to his feet and offered her his hand. 'What a gentleman…' Hermione thought.

She tried to get up but then screamed out in agony, her ankle was badly hurt. She fell back to the ground, gasping in pain. Barty dropped to his knees,

'What's wrong?' his voice sounded worried.

'My ankle…' Hermione said.

Barty took her by the arm and pulled her up, but she still couldn't walk. With every step she gave a small scream. He picked her up and carried her up to the castle, back to the Head Girl's chambers… 

They reached the portrait behind which the Head Girl's rooms were located and Hermione muttered the password. Barty listened to it carefully, he would need to know as much as possible about Hermione in order to carry out his mission…

But did he want to? It all seemed, well, stupid. But Draco knew people in high places and, as dumb as it seemed, he had no choice but to listen to him.

Barty walked through the portrait hole,

'Just around here.' Hermione said in a tired voice…

Barty looked all around him. The whole place was immaculate and decorated in red and gold, he gave an involuntary shudder; he had always preferred the silver and green of Slytherin.

He put Hermione down in the big armchair, then set to lighting the fire. Hermione watched him and couldn't help but admire his amazing body… so toned…so… NO! What was she thinking? Why was he even here?

Barty had finished lighting the fire. He stood up and sat on the footstool beside Hermione. For a long time they just sat and looked into each others' eyes… then he started a conversation!

Nothing could have startled Hermione more. He kept asking all about her, he seemed genuinely interested! Even though she knew she probably shouldn't, she answered all of his questions readily.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N - A short chapter, but it does serve it's purpose. You know, illustrating that Hermione is, to all intents and purposes, a slut. Fun, fun, fun and MOUNTAINS of weirdness!_

_Enjoy!_

_~ Izzy xxx  
_

* * *

Lupin was walking along just outside the Head Girl's chambers, he thought he might go in to see Hermione, but stopped outside her portrait. He could hear two people talking inside. One of them was definitely Hermione, of course, but who was the other? He thought that he recognised it, as if from some distant memory, but he just couldn't place it.

'Well', he thought, 'I can't just go stomping in there…' He would just have to wait. So he walked back to his room and started to get ready for bed, but the unknown voice kept playing in his mind, he knew what to do…

He got out the Marauder's Map, Harry had lent it to him last full moon so he didn't run into any 'unwanted' people, he opened it up and read the name of the person with Hermione. He jumped to his feet and ran… 

Hermione and Barty had been talking for about half an hour and, over that time, Barty had moved closer to Hermione. The conversation had begun to lag, they looked into each others' eyes. Barty started to lean in, the got closer and closer…

Suddenly Hermione realised what she was doing, and it seemed that Barty had to. They both froze at the same moment.

'Hermione, if you don't want…' Barty faltered.

Then, in on movement, they passionately embraced in a tender lock…


	9. Chapter 9

Lupin rushed up the stairs, practically shouted the password at the portrait and ran into Hermione's room…

'Hermione?' he said, hurt and confused.

'Remus!' squeaked Hermione, pushing away the man she was embracing.

Lupin looked at him. No. It couldn't be… Barty Crouch… Junior? 

'Hermione…' stuttered Lupin, Barty had slunk into a corner of the room, 'what… what are you…?'

'Professor… I… we… we…'

'You didn't think I would come running in? Did you?' he yelled.

'Well… NO! I didn't ask you to come stomping in here!' she said, in tears.

'Well… I… I…' Lupin tried to say.

'You WHAT?' screamed Hermione.

'I LOVE YOU!'

At that moment, Snape entered the room… 

'What is going on here?' Snape asked in a steely voice. Then his tone faltered.

'Hermione…?' he whispered, looking at the two other men in her room, 'What…? Why…?'

Barty stood up and cleared his throat, all eyes in the room turned to him,

'Umm… I guess I'll be going now then…' he said. Hermione nodded, looking slightly flustered.

Barty dashed out of the room quickly, before anyone could stop him. Snape rounded on Lupin,

'You love her?' Lupin cringed at the venom in his voice.

'Yes. I do.' replied Lupin, trying to keep his last shred of confidence.

It happened quickly: Snape threw a curse and green light filled the room…

'NOOOOO!' screamed Hermione. Lupin ducked just in time. Snape's curse flew over his head and hit one of the portraits in the wall.

Snape turned and stared at Hermione,

'You love him back…?'

* * *

_A/N - LOVE Snape's entrance there... so utterly random and perfect for creating the drama!_

_And... could be a while before this is finished, and it may never be FULLY finished, as we stopped writing this almost two years ago... but I shall put up all that I can - when I find the remainder of the notes it was written on!_

_Hope you've enjoyed so far, anyway, and I shall attempt to submit the rest SPOON! :)  
_

_~ Izzy xxx  
_


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